Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

Just started reading my copy of this book and cannot recommend it enough for it's accuracy in detailing so many issues of this very important subject. All descriptions of the book's good points that I found printed on the cover are accurate and the resonance with personal experiences is uncannily accurate, and the complexity of this subject really is well documented and so incredibly well understood and written about by this author. This book has a very supportive and maturely compassionate listing of the affects of this kind of abuse and many different complicated ways this kind of abuse takes place that are not seen nor understood even by trained therapists unless they specifically have had this particular kind of training for psychological trauma/abuse. A very good book easy to read with important information for everyone whether or not they have experienced this form of abuse. We all could benefit from being educated about it to better understand and have compassion for the many who are affected by it and we can better advocate for those affected by recognizing the signs of it and helping stop this kind of abuse from proliferating and doing any more harm. I've now finished reading this book and listening to the audio version of it and can confirm what I saw from the beginning that it is a very accurate description of the phenomenon of psychological abuse right down to words I'd been using to describe my experiences with it so that was quite a reaffirming experience. The complexity of the subject is so well treated in this book that it left me wanting the author to continue and will be a source of reference and study for me going forward so I got the ebook version too because it will be easy to search for topics that are all throughout the writing even in addition to the headings of various sections, there's just so much information in the writing that highlighting will also be helpful. The comparison of the subject to dealing with deprogramming from a cult was something I'd thought of too and a very important aspect of the book is that it treats the subject as situational rather than looking for some particular biological or chemical reason for the disastrous affects of being the victim/target of psychological abuse and this factor of looking at the entire situation and all players in it is something that is sorely missing from modern psychological theories and practice from what I've seen. One can imagine too and probably do the research to find these kinds of patterns of psychological abuse all throughout history so it's nothing new and a very good idea to get educated to it which is recommended in the book as stage 2 of the process of healing. Apparently there are also study groups organized around this book and they can be found from a reference in the book to the author's website that is the title of the book. I hope to see many more such works by this author and others further delineating this important subject it is ground breaking and breathtaking in it's clarity and exposing this extremely important subject in my opinion.

This book is fantastic it explains so incredibly well what is going on in an abusers head. It really captures how incredibly sick and disconnected some humans can be. It really resonates in a scary but well written way how disturbed psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists are. They actually avoid all normal reflection and truly lack empathy and connections to others. Abusers are deeply sick, really really wired wrong. There is something deeply wrong with their lack of ability to bond and form connections with others. These people are sicker than I had any ability to understand and how they really don’t form healthy attachments to others. They lack real remorse and the void of empathy is terrifying! The book drives home the depravity that abusers see the world as, they live in a distorted reality. However it is also victim centered and does a fantastic job of walking thru the stages of recovery and pathway choices and decisions during recovery. This book is so desperately needed. Having a romantic relationship with someone that is profoundly sick and depraved to the point of deeply evil in their toxicity this allows the victim to be seen and it doesn’t shy away either from the brutal realities. It has blunt conversations about assessing the victim for depression and suicidal thoughts and makes it clear that these are common challenges in these victims. That break-up’s with people that psychologically torture their partners, the victims very often struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression. It gets real about the massive destruction that these abusers can cause to their victims. It is real about how the damage can often be lifelong and destroys who the victim used to be. The extremely well written recovery sections are fabulous. This book should be read by anyone that has been a victim of emotional abuse.

I am several years out of my emotionally abusive marriage and this book has helped me immensely. I’m now at a stage where I am on the other side of this trauma and I am looking back at it all, especially the healing journey, more intellectually, with a lot of curiosity about what specific elements helped me heal. It was a very long and gut-wrenching process, and I cannot tell you how helpful and validating, even now, it is to have the stages of recovery outlined so expertly and compassionately. Shannon Thomas is spot on about all of the stages and writes with such compassion and hope. There is a ton of specificity to validate your current reality and a gentle, compassionate tone. She even mentions that in Stage 6, Maintenance (where I am now), it is common to look back at the earlier stages to gain a deeper healing. I have friends who keep admonishing me to “Move on. You’re in such a better place now. Let it go!” But I can’t. There’s something pulling me back to look at it, and now I understand why. After reading this book, I do feel I can let it go more. But not totally. And that’s important: to move forward but never forget. Thank you for this, Shannon. The parts about how family members are won over by the abuser and play into the abuse are particularly helpful too. Mine did and still do, and it’s devastating. What is true about psychological abuse is that it is always with you: I still question myself: did this really happen? (Yes.) Was it as bad as I though it was? (Yes.) Was it ME? (Hell no.) My ex, who, because of our children is a “detached contact” situation, stilll engages in the gaslighting/crazymaking behavior but it is so ridiculously subtle. It is crucial for survivors to read and re-read books like this to maintain their groundedness in the healed space. The thing I am still stuck on is Shannon’s emphasis on the personality disorder aspect of the psychological abuse behavior. I am sure my ex is not a psychopath or sociopath. But is he a covert narcissist? I don’t know. I can’t wrap my head around that most days. So if he is not, does that mean that this (the abuse, all of the trauma, and my life changing journey because of it...) didn’t happen the way I thought it did? Was it actually something else? That is the part that leaves me stumped and still seeking. That would be my only slight criticism of this book. It feels like a requirement that the abuser have a personality disorder, and that leaves me in a confused state where I circle around and around it in my brain. I imagine that Shannon would argue that he IS a covert narcissist in that case, though, because his tactic is to keep me off-balance and questioning myself. Other books that helped me validate the abuse without the “requirement” of a personality disorder were Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He DO That?” And Patricia Evans’ “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”. I want to leave with the message that Shannon emphasizes throughout the book: you really can heal from psychological abuse. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. I feel I have discovered my Purpose and Power from this devastating experience and even considering that I lost so much, I am really happy with my life and have become the woman I have always wanted to be, not only for myself but also for my kids.

I've started reading this book, and it has validated all my confusion and mixed feelings about leaving my ex. I didn't know when we were together that he was emotionally abusive. I just knew I was always the one who was "wrong" -- even in couples counseling, everything got twisted so that it was always my fault. And I took that blame and shame... because if a counselor agrees with the spouse, it must be "true" right? WRONG! (And YES, the counselors bought into his "justifications"! Not very many counselors are actually trained to spot emotional abuse!) I felt even worse about myself after counseling and was more submissive. But I finally knew I had to leave when I realized I was dreading him coming home from a long overseas business trip. I didn't miss him, I felt freer and happier than I had in years when he was finally not controlling me every day for a couple weeks. It was the best thing that had happened to me in two decades. After I left, I learned that "emotional abuse" was "a thing" when I saw a poster in a doctor's office. I could answer "yes" to almost every question on it. That's when I started looking into what it was, how it manifests, and how to deal with it... I'm still learning, four years later, and this is the best book I've come across yet. For years I thought there was something wrong with ME. That's what he wanted me to believe. I also learned that several other people in my life had been manipulative and/or straight up abusive to me. I learned to see that my desire to please others, to help others, made me a convenient target, scapegoat, and mental punching bag for manipulative, selfish, people. And because of this book, I'm learning to stand up for myself, to free myself from those chains of obligation to people who just continue to use me and make me feel bad about myself. This book is helping me heal myself, and it has taught me this is important because--the thing about psychological abusers is that they almost never admit they did anything wrong, they almost never change (because you'd have to admit you're wrong first!), and you'll never get "closure" FROM THEM. You have to find a way to get it for yourself, *despite* them. This book is helping me do that. I'm not finished reading it yet, but it's already made a huge impact on me. I believe it will help me heal and give myself closure, because I know I'll never get it from the people who've abused me. It's helped me see the behaviors and patterns so that I can keep from being abused by others in the future, which is also very important. What good is healing, if you keep getting wounded? There's another book I found to help identify your own traits which allow you to be manipulated by people and how to stop it - but the name escapes me right now. The combination of these books is going to change my life. I only wish I'd found them sooner!!

Good book Really helping me My only caveat is that I believe an abuser KNOWS what they are doing but I am still in the stage of recovery where I am uncertain they PLAN the abuse. I think they might get emotionally triggered and then become abusive. I am uncertain whether they plan it. Maybe the author feels the same way and I am missing something. I am going to re-read it Because my brain is still traumatized But I recommend this book regardless Get help today You should never be abused

This book is exactly what I needed at this time of my life. My abuse is within my close circle and within my family. I woke up one morning 4-5 years ago with a completely different perspective on life. Which is great really I’m grateful for that moment. But since I’ve felt all the emotions a person can feel every single day. The amount of hurt, frustration, and confusion I had from the thoughts/reality of my life grow everyday that passed. So the last 5 years have been a emotional roller coaster literally. After years of feeling this way I just wanted it to stop. I’ve seen three therapist over the years and the first two were a joke. The third therapist in my opinion made things worst after almost two years I realized. All this eat I’ve been sitting in of those emotions praying for it to stop. I came across this book on Amazon after reading the title (not thinking I was actually dealing with hidden abuse) then read a lot of reviews. After reading all information 2-3 times I was excited about this book. I received the book a couple days later and read half the book in a day. Then got to a point I had to go back to the beginning and read the studies and research. Im in shock completely and outer shock. This has been one of the most interesting, well written, easy to understand, very helpful book I’ve read in years. While still in shock I start to feel this calming feeling inside over the next week it became stronger and stronger. It turns out my whole life has been surrounded by psychological abusers from all (I mean all) every single family member sadly even myself. I was a abuser myself for the first 28 years of my life. Admitting it and understanding the part I played is just disgusting. It has been in my family I’m assuming for decades. I knew something was different with my family more and more as I got older. But what did the job completely waking me up. Actually had something to do with custody of my children between their father and his family. That parent child relationship and what my children actually mean to me and what I wouldn’t do for them for the rest of my life here. They didn’t ask to be here and it doesn’t matter what type of situation a baby is born in to. Babies are innocent and kids are too. And if kids are not taught about life, the responsibilities it comes with, etc. Those kids almost always have a ruff start and continue to have a ruff ride until they learn the hard way. I’m currently reading over my book for the second or third time and starting to journey in the back. My shock turned in to a calming feeling (deep down I felt I was going to be ok now) which now has turned to feeling at peace with my situation. This book has answered all the questions I’ve ever had that my mom (that choses to not communicated with myself or my child the last 5-7 years , Might texts for birthdays MIGHT) my dad, both grandmothers have sugarcoated, ignored, or gaslighting me. I’m so thankful to the author for writing this book. Thank you Shannon Thomas you did a amazing job on this book. I know it was written years ago exactly when my started to derail. But I personal just finding it and I’m so grateful I did. I’ve been inspired to believe in myself again and never to allow another human being to change that again. Since I started the journeying in the back (which btw is a genius idea that’s going to help me personal and I know it will for others.) I’ve realized this is the way of life for my family. Their choses doesn’t have to effect or include me and in order to communicate with them I’m going to need a plan from a therapist. I’ve also know now that if the plan doesn’t help change things going no contact is the next option and I’m completely ok with that. I unbelievable for the first time in years feel like I have control of my own life and feelings again. I lastly the peace I’ve been looking for all those years I’ve found in this book. Thank you I appreciate you taking your time to help millions of people.

As a lifetime survivor, I am amazed and grateful at how clearly and thoroughly Shannon Thomas LCSW describes the hallmarks of the abused and the abusers and how each party arrived and behaves in an unhealed relationship. I appreciate her detailed insight on how to move from emotional chaos through recovery and into maintenance. The 6 STAGES OF RECOVERY are 1. Despair and Deprogramming, 2. Education, 3. Awakening, 4. Boundaries, 5. Restoration, and 6. Maintenance. She makes it clear that while not all professional therapists or clergy are cracked pots or evil people, they do exist (in all fields), and it's important to take care when choosing someone to help you through this life challenge. She also adds that education about personality disordered individuals is almost an after thought for those studying any type of counseling or psychology, so many are just ill-equipped to help along this healing journey (and may cause a lot of damage.) THOSE ARE ALL SUCH VITAL POINTS TO ANYONE AT THE BEGINNING OF THEIR JOURNEY. She explains that while she can make a 'guess' about people in our lives she cannot diagnose them officially if they are not her client. She merely helps the survivor understand what the heck they are dealing with. She actually works to DEPROGRAM her clients, just like you would go through when recovering from a cult. It is the idea that we cannot see the truth. And, without this step, the lies the abuser tells rattle around in our brain and continue to harm us, and prevent healing. In the beginning stage, she is very gentle and allowing. She does NOT FORCE the stage one survivor to go no contact, because it needs to come naturally in the process of recovery. Words never better stated. Wish I had had her to walk me through this multi-decade process. I am eternally grateful for her care, dedication and playbook for recovery. Thank you for taking the time to write this book.

Thomas has written the definitive book on psychological abuse. She writes with a genuine warmth, intelligence, wisdom and compassion that is sometimes absent from other books in this genre. Thomas knows the subject matter from personal experience, and that is immediately apparent. This is not a dry, detached book of endless, empty psychobabble, but rather an in-the-trenches useful helping hand, penned by someone who truly gets it. It is an interesting read for anyone fascinated by psychology. The book illuminates the slow, insidious psychological harm that narcissistic, psychopathic and manipulative people can cause. It provides validation and knowledge, deconstructing and demystifying a type of abuse that is often hidden and dismissed. For people who have actually encountered these disconcerting, dangerous perpetrators, the book is a breath of fresh air. Even after experiencing this deliberate evil, it it still difficult to comprehend. No one wants to believe the ill-intent, and it is not uncommon to be incredulous. Spend no time in doubt. For some, this bizarre, subtle and covert abuse begins with petty, infrequent and barbed criticisms. The "target" initially shrugs off the insults as a fluke, but the campaign of psychological assault continues. Perhaps it escalates into blatant lies, relentless harrassments and even criminal endeavors cleverly designed to systematically disrupt and destroy the target's life. All of this is accomplished with malicious relish, feigned innocence and an often telltale smirk. Thomas provides a no-nonsense, "do something" approach to disentangle from these disturbed individuals who walk among us. Strong, healthy boundaries, emotional detachment and contact cessation offer welcome respite, as the "victim" moves from awareness to insight, action and freedom. A highly recommended, empowering read.